Carolyn Hax: Is it so bad to want to coast through life? | Carolyn Hax's columns | Idaho Statesman
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: Is there anything wrong with a single, childless 50-year-old whose only goal in life is to coast to retirement, having saved enough to make retirement comfortable and carefree? I keep reading about having a grand purpose in life, working in a field that you love, being creative, etc., and it just sounds like too much work to me.
I like to have good, clean fun. I don’t like to be responsible for other people. I give to charity, but I don’t want to work in a soup kitchen or be hands-on with helping others. My job is not very fulfilling, sometimes boring, but it pays well enough, and I don’t feel overwhelmed or like I can’t produce what is required of me. I get along with the people at work, and I don’t find myself dreading going to work.
Do I need to challenge myself? Do I need to set more goals? Is coasting such a bad thing?
COASTING
The only thing that suggests there’s anything wrong with the way you’re living is your asking me whether it’s wrong. If you think what you’ve described is the perfect life, then, congratulations, you’re living the perfect life.
If, instead, you have some nagging doubts, then heed them.
To answer the larger question — whether a grand purpose in life is necessary for having a good life — I’d say that society benefits when there’s variety in what people see as their life purpose. People with small ambitions, quiet lives, or just a knack for fun, bring needed balance to people with grand ambitions. Someone needs to tend the gardens and bake cookies with the kids. The world definitely needs people who tend to the world-changing details of raising a child well, as badly as it needs its global peacemakers. What matters, I think, is that you bring more to the world than you take away. That’s a good life. The details are up to you.
Carolyn: My husband and I recently split, and I’ve surprised myself by thinking about dating so soon after. On the one hand, I am a bit fragile, but on the other, I haven’t had a caring, intimate relationship in years. I’ve been mourning my marriage for longer than it’s been officially over. I do feel renewed since the split, but it’s quick. Is there a standard period of waiting to make the best choices for myself?
RECENT DIVORCEE
I’ve been saying this for years, the emotional end of a relationship can long predate its official end.
Since you’re feeling fragile, I would suggest caution. And, too, people whose hearts have been numb for a long time are really vulnerable to a wild jolt, which isn’t always the path to the kind of lasting intimacy you want. (That’s the rebound phenomenon in a nutshell, by the way — it’s not just the first relationship after a breakup, it’s the first relationship after a spell of deprivation.)
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date, though. It just means you should be mindful that, if you get such a jolt, it’s most likely time to enjoy the ride, versus time to book the church. Give any new love a lot of time to prove it’s for real.
E-mail tellme@washpost.com. Chat online at 10 a.m. Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.
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